Professional Humor Fan Pillows

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"Better bring me another cookie. The last one fell in the water."

'The ghost walks this passage every night Monday to Friday. He has weekends off.'

'Alas, poor Yorick, I knew you well. But dude, you're creeping me out, so I gotta un-friend you!'

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

The Brothers Grime

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

10 K Tail-Chase

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Consider yourself lucky that you only got a little shaken up in that dryer--socks get lost in that thing and aren't ever seen again.'

Trump Poutine

"You see, it's perfectly safe to tease him..."

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

In utero...boy, THOSE were the days!

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

"Jack Daniels-in-a-box"

'We found you in a cabbage!'

The Snooze Bar.

"Uh Oh! Jehovah's"

Beer Parasol.

Winter Weather.

US Credit: 'I'm down grading your credit rating...'

Tequila Mockingbird

To encourage patients to take their medication, Dr. Gratner brought in a sketch artist to show them what they will look like in six months without meds.

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

'Trust me, you're not going to need an alarm clock.'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

"I'm you from the future! Or the past. I've completely lost track of time."

May all your birthday wishes come true..

'More government surveillance!'