Professional Humor Fan Pillows

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"Better bring me another cookie. The last one fell in the water."

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

'Alas, poor Yorick, I knew you well. But dude, you're creeping me out, so I gotta un-friend you!'

'The ghost walks this passage every night Monday to Friday. He has weekends off.'

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

The Brothers Grime

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Trump Poutine

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"Consider yourself lucky that you only got a little shaken up in that dryer--socks get lost in that thing and aren't ever seen again.'

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

"You see, it's perfectly safe to tease him..."

"Uh Oh! Jehovah's"

"Jack Daniels-in-a-box"

In utero...boy, THOSE were the days!

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

'We found you in a cabbage!'

Beer Parasol.

US Credit: 'I'm down grading your credit rating...'

Winter Weather.

Tequila Mockingbird

"Well, you were late and her boyfriend didn't turn up for their wedding, so....."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'Joe has been partying hard!'

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

"I'm you from the future! Or the past. I've completely lost track of time."

'Trust me, you're not going to need an alarm clock.'

"I fell to the ground from a height of about two metres when I was born: My very first stunt!"

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'