Productivity Pusher Gifts

"The internet wants to destroy your productivity."

THINK on your own time - SWEAT on company time.

"I never nap. Such a waste of life. Besides, if I spend all my time napping, I won't finish my graphic novel."

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

"Picking up another energy drink - back in twenty seconds."

"If only this paperwork would just melt away."

Things-to-do-today: Daily workboxes piled up on desk.

'No, I'm not stranded. This is the only place I could find that has no distractions.'

Time Is Money

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"My preferred pronoun is they."

"Do we always have to work through lunch?"

The World's First Electronic Paperweight

A breakthrough in the morning meeting

'What can I do to create a climate where things get done?'

'It's a fake - but all the hanging around the water cooler is down 57%!'

Time Out For Teddy

"Ok, so you got the worm. What are you going to do with the rest of your day?"

Targets.

"There appears to be a direct correlation between fewer meetings and higher productivity."

'My multi-tasking turned into faulty-tasking.'

'This software package can cut your workload in half. Do you want to purchase two copies?'

"Miss Jones! Clear my schedule until I get this sorted out!"

'I'm sorry you had to wait. My Time Management Workshop started late.'

"Some days, no matter how much you procrastinate, work still gets done."

"Being my own boss sounds fun but I wouldn't be able to motivate myself."

"Alan had to work all night on his presentation....this is what 17 espressos does to him."

'I need a tool to measure productivity.'

"A laptop has been installed in each rest room stall."

'I'm the CEO of a large corporation. Of course my cough is productive. Everything I do is productive.'

Doctor to man: 'You're a workaholic - you tested positive for elbow grease.'

"Slip some performance enhancing drug into the water. We need more production!"

'He's still able to do the work of three committees.'

"Don't wait up for me. I'm going to have to put in an all-winter."

I came in early to seize the day...but it seized me first.