Processed Food Detective T-Shirts

"Apparently, some of the additives cause a nerve disorder, but others cure it."

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

"He was WOK-ing in a winter wonderland."

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

"Well, son. . . here your dad makes the famous 'fresh from nature' food!"

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

'Dorothy - we're not in the health food section anymore.'

Sure, I'll take a sandwich

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

GM Crops Genie.

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

"We know you boosted that milk truck!" "Admit it or we'll take a bite outta you!"

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

Horse meat scandal.

"Your chocolate biscuits and cakes are getting smaller - and where's your sweets aisle?"

"Do you have anything with FOOD in it?"

Rat Hair: Peanut Butter Ingredient.

"So here we are...the great outdoors!"

The big break in the case of the missing French Fries: 'But just to make sure, can you have each of them squawk.'

"Remind me - superfood or carcinogen?"

'Police. We have reason to believe you've been hacking into your neighbor's computers and stealing their recipes.'

Butcher Shop. Special: Soup Bones! Soup has bones?!

'Waiter! There's a . . . oh, never mind.'

"It's a game changer. . . carrots and hummous batons but we've managed to make them out of sugar."

One of several sugar maple trees is labled sugar free.

Thoroughbred Burger Meat

'You have to send in $5 for a decoder ring to decipher the list of ingredients.'

"Excuse me, sir! Do these vegetables have any dangerous additives?"

Carcinogenic/Non-carcinogenic.

"Looks like they've simplified the nutritional information."

'I keep getting stomach cramps after eating.' - 'You're probably intolerant to certain foods.' - 'Can you test for that?' - 'Yes, just eat things one by one and see what makes you ill.' - 'Won't that be slow and painful?' - 'Fingers crossed.'

'Tell us that really scary story again...the one about how they make chicken nuggets!'