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Temperature / Blood Pressure / Finances

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"When I grow up, I want to go into medicine and help people who can pay out of pocket."

'The dripping keeps me awake!'

'Your cat scan looks fine, your pet scan looks fine, your MRI looks fine, but your insurance reimbursement doesn't look fine.'

'I'm afraid it's bad news Mr.Hooper, I've just got the report on your finances.'

Hospital Departments

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

We charge $500 for every nook and $1,200 for every cranny during diagnosis.

'You're allergic to feathers.'

"Cardiac day patients?"

Medicare: More is Better!

"According to the insurance company, you don't have a leg to stand on."

'Kitchen! Chicken Bone! Hurry!!' - Rent-A-Surgeon

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

Doctor sits near work boxes labelled; 'NHS' and 'Private'.

Woman and scales.

"I am just going outside to find an NHS dentist and may be some time."

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"I just hope that when your mother is as old as I am you'll be able to help figure out Medicare Part D."

"Recovery involves elements of faith. So let's pray my billing service, this hospital and your insurance provider all work smoothly together."

"I don't see the doctor anymore because I'd have to hire some kid to set up the patient portal."

'I'm from the temp agency, who are you?'

'I can't take off my clothes - I'm Missouri Synod Lutheran!'

"I don't care what it says on the 'chocoholics' website I'm not able to prescribe chocolate mini eggs on the NHS."

"The good news is your husband is covered by insurance....The bad news is he suffered a mental breakdown from the registration process."

'He can't refer you to me... I referred you to him.'

"You need to see a specialer. They're like specialists, but less so."

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

'You must be one of Billy Covey's teachers.'

'-and you do realise,of course,that as a private patient tipping is permitted?'

"You know you're getting old when you can find your way around all the local hospitals blindfolded."

'You need the wisdom of the ages to understand Medicare Part D.'

'Oh no, not you again,'

GPs to be required to offer appointments in advance.