Prison System Satirist Pillows

'I'm not here for committing a crime - I'm here for failing to comply with a guideline.'

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

"Twenty five years! But your honor,

"I got probation."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'I think you have figured out that, with today's overcrowded prisons, pleading insanity will put you back on the streets..."

When staffing agencies screw up.

"Certainly you're entitled to justice, if you can show that you deserve it."

TOO SLOW

"Parts and labor?"

"Before we begin today, may I say that both my client and I were astonished that Your Honor was not nominated for the Supreme Court?"

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

'The prisons are full, so I'm sentencing you to have your butt kicked.'

'Who do you think you're kidding? -- Guns don't have power surges!'

"Your honor, we'll stipulate to the fact that he looks guilty."

"'Somewhere in between' is not an acceptable plea."

'Guilty? Do you realize what that will do to my 'Who's Who' listing?'

"We find the defendant very telegenic."

Convict Decor

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

Prosecutor trying to link parking tickets and library fines with gangland killings.

Santa Claus wanted poster.

Post Office fraud wing in a prison.

"Try and give me... happy."

'The Jury has found you not guilty of robbery.'

'I was told to reach for the stars but when I did, I was arrested for stalking.'

'They got me for 'hate-texting.''

'In with the warden !'

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, don't let my parents think they wasted money sending me to law school!"

'I suppose you'd like your porridge shaken, not stirred?'

Martha bakes with her new friends.

"Look on the bright side. You no longer live with your parents."

'21 Today - he wants the key of the door...'

"Great news, Phil! The governor has determined that you don't have a high enough I.Q. to merit execution."