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'I hate Mondays.'

"Enough already. I believe you can do my time standing on your head."

'I'm here for identity theft.'

"My problem is a recessive gene for honesty and a dominant gene for robbery."

"Can I still do my pilates?"

I'm worried about Uncle Mort. He's still in jail for refusing to reveal his secret source? Not just that. It's his relationship with Sadie. I feel like … What? She says she wants him back, but I'm not sure. Why would you say something like that? Your sweetie made you a saw with a cake in it. Oooh.

"Hide the file in one of your gluten-free cakes – so the guards won't eat it."

Visitation Day at the Bug Jar

'No need to come in.. you can fax me your resume.'

'One of the guards is leaiving, would you like to make a contribution to his farewell gift?'

Prisoner decorating his cell.

'Yes, Frank, yes. That's how my body will fall when you kill me, and your laughter will echo down the corridors...'

"This is why I don't want you doing our taxes anymore."

'Before you go to prison, Sims, I'd like to give you this award as 'Scapegoat of the Year'.'

"Surely it can't be twenty-five years already!"

Inmate on cell phone: 'I'd like to request 'Jailhouse Rock'.'

'It's windy this morning.'

"This is Cliff. He's a neo-con."

Preferred Prisons

'I'm getting into a rut -- campaign, election, indictment, parole... campaign, election, indictment, parole....'

"Escape Thursday? But that's Bar-B-Qued pork night!"

"You're doing 20-to-life. What do you mean you haven't got time to floss?"

Guys in torture chamber: 'TGIF!' and 'Shaddup.'

'Well, I'd best be off, Arthur, the clink of glasses behind bars and all that...'

"I had everyone fooled. Could have got away with it, too, if he had just kept his big mouth shut."

"I got eight to twelve years, which was in line with Wall Street expectations."

'Hey. You're back.'

"Ironically, I've got no bars."

'Look on the bright side, think of all the money you saved by conducting your own defence.'

'Don't worry, I didn't tell them anything they didn't already suspect.'

'Yeah? Well you could use some deodorant, too!'

'So, how was your day?'

Prisoner playing golf with his ball and chains.

Identity theft. You?

'I'm a celebrity now...so get me out of here!'