Prescription Punchliner Gifts

Admit it Doc. You're jealous because my home remedy worked better than your fancy prescription!

Snowprov

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

'Get me a hundred milligrams of Oxycontin... And pick up something for this guy while you're at it.'

'If you begin to feel unwell, start or stop taking aspirin...'

'DO you know what time we start here?'

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

"It's easy to test yourself. Go to sleep at night and if you wake up alive the next morning, you didn't die of Corona overnight."

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

"Hey Ref - any chance you can get those buzzards to quit circling over my fighter?"

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"Please tell the king I've remembered the punchline."

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

Have you been living in the moment, Al? Living in the moment? I thought you said I should be living it up in the moment! Frankly, the hangovers are killing me!

Bucky's dream of becoming a stand-up comedian ended abruptly the very first time he stepped into the spotlight.

"Numb yet?"

"I want to be a stand up comic, but life's not crap enough."

"That wasn't very funny!"

"You can't go on because you're 'feeling funny'? In your case it's so rare, make the most of it!"

"My wife's cooking doesn't agree with me. Come to think of it, neither does my wife."

'Now look what you've done. I told you that I wanted a fair fight... making fun of his trunks is hitting below the belt.'

"...so he comes back into the room, he turns around, he puts the chicken on the table and he says, "All right, potassium chloride.""

'Have you done any stand-up?'

"Cool! The boss just fist bumped me!"

"Watch out for his left jab."

"I can't read this scribble. . . ! Just get the usual random boxes off the top shelf. . ."

'These hibernation pills ought to do the trick.'

'My god, I wouldn't want to be a stand-up comedian in a place like this!'

"My computer has a virus. I'm calling in sick."

"Yes, it's true that I started working as an actor in porn movies, but that's not why my wife left me. She left me because she thought I was becoming a workaholic."