Punchline Ponderer Gifts

Have you been living in the moment, Al? Living in the moment? I thought you said I should be living it up in the moment! Frankly, the hangovers are killing me!

"That wasn't very funny!"

'Okay, a rabbi, a penguin and a lesbian go into a bar...good premise, but then what happens?'

"How many rabbits does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

'DO you know what time we start here?'

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

"That's two tossed salads, one egg drop soup, and one pulled pork."

I think it's time to retire from boxing. I'm too old for life in the fist lane.

"Smite him, my son!"

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

Chicken: the one-man show

"Hey Ref - any chance you can get those buzzards to quit circling over my fighter?"

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

Comedy Rule

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

Phill Jupitus

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

'But your advert said, Fantastic view.' - 'She's out right now.'

"Your early stuff was funnier."

'I gave him the old one-two, but then he gave me three, four, five, six, seven and eight!'

'Don't get up until nine.' - 'What time is it now?'

My birthday suit is out of fashion.

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

Bucky's dream of becoming a stand-up comedian ended abruptly the very first time he stepped into the spotlight.

'You had a lunch date, but I cancelled it because it was your turn to pay.'

"I want to be a stand up comic, but life's not crap enough."