Prescription Pragmatist Pillows

"Take one of these every 4 hours for the side effects from your prescription."

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

"You only need one prescription. The other 7 are for the side effects."

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

Drive-thru Church

Eager to get back out but want to limit your exposure? Come to Barry's barbershop, restaurant, gym 'n cinema.

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'The tests are pretty conclusive, Mrs. Kane. It's going to be a brat.'

"I can see you're concerned about the amount of medication you're taking. Let me see if I can give you something for that."

Put it in writing!

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

The secret of marriage is chemistry - he's on valium and I'm on prozac

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

'Marry me, Linda. Two can live more cheaply than one.'

'The good news is that it's only flat at the bottom.'

"Have a good day at school, and don't worry about the killer virus."

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

Business man at desk, "My family? Hell no, those are my clients"

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

Survivalists' supplies: The customer's always right wing.

The tunnel of ulterior motives

"I don't know if I want to marry, but I would like a combined household income."

Some exercise program - he power walks to snack machine!

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."

"Gee, Mom, I'm sorry you're sick, but can't we get a sub?"

"I'm out of purple pills. Can I take 1 blue and 1 red instead?"

'I'm sorry, Walter, but marriage doesn't have portable benefits.'