Price Pragmatist Pillows

With gas prices soaring, many stations have begun posting EMS teams next to their pumps.

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

Drive-thru Church

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

Screwdriver labelled 'Buyer' and screw labelled 'seller'.

'Our new simplified energy bills just have a few options starting with 'Grossly inflated' and progressing to the premium 'Bloodsucker' package. . .'

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

'The tests are pretty conclusive, Mrs. Kane. It's going to be a brat.'

Moanathon.

Put it in writing!

"Take one of these every 4 hours for the side effects from your prescription."

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

"I don't have a set price. I charge what the market will bear."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

'The good news is that it's only flat at the bottom.'

What would John Dewey say?

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

"Classic ballcap $79.95. White, black, red or blue. Adjustable. One size fits all."

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

"Pssst! Interested in women's clothes with actual real pockets?"

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

"Expensive? Yes, but I don't exploit my mother."

Business man at desk, "My family? Hell no, those are my clients"

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"

"I don't know if I want to marry, but I would like a combined household income."

Some exercise program - he power walks to snack machine!

Gas prices

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."

"Gee, Mom, I'm sorry you're sick, but can't we get a sub?"

Supply and Demand.

Antique dealer examining a ring