Preparing For A First Date Pillows

I have a date tonight. She's coming over. I need to get home and clean it all up. Not so fast, little buddy. Cleaning is a delicate art. Clean too little, and she thinks you're a slob. Clean too much, and she thinks you're hiding something. It's almost as if you haven't read chapter 7 of the manual. What manual? "Mancleaning: By Randy 'The Rock' Taylor." You wrote a whole book about cleaning? It's the follow-up to "How to Reach the Tenth Level of Passion by Feng Shui-ing Your Dust Bunnies." It's

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

Romance

Speed Dating for Turtles

"When you say that love is in the air, you're referring to the smells from the food trucks, right?"

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

On my list of outdoor pursuits I put skinny dipping way ahead of this.

Why we need poetry. . .

Carbon Dating.

An historic event in Candyland: When M met M

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

Frank was certain his Bird of Paradise mating dance would press all the right buttons with Margaret.

"First date hairball... awkward."

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

"Something romantic, perhaps?"

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Pizza sounds wonderful. Italian, Greek or Hipster?"

Romance

"She's just being Koi."

I really think I can handle this date on my own. Lemme ask you something. Would you trust me alone with a ybot 340? An Xbox 360? They changed the name? Okay. But you cannot hit on my date. I'm only here to help.

Dating is so expensive...

"Did you bring any protection with you?"

Asking out a palm reader.

Wine Selection 'Here we are. Our cheapest house wine. Would the gentleman care to smell the twisty cap?'

'Be ready in a minute - just have to put on my face.'

'That reminds me of the blind date I had last weekend!'

'Your place or mine?'

'Your stab at ordering the wine in French went well.'

"Who knew we had so many dislikes in common?"

"Dessert?""No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"So besides opera and lurking, what do you do to relax?"