Premier League Critic Gifts

Sam Allardyce

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

Gold Medal for IOC boss Thomas Bach in the discipline of Brown-Nosing-Dictators-For-Money.

Maybe we should stop calling it 'The Masters.'

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

'Call 911! He watched 12 straight hours of football without training adequately.'

'Double Dannys': Danny Baker and Danny Kelly.

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

Red State Football

'What the... Oh, lucky me - it's just something easy to get rid of!'

'The centre-forward wins a foul!'

'I wish you'd make those meatballs a little lighter; they hurt!'

'My dad's a soccer announcer.'

Free Speech has heavy price.

'Remember young brave to always face evil without fear...To have our tribe on foam and underwear!'

"But is it art?"

'I don't want to mention any names, but one of you isn't giving 100% out there.'

'You may be wondering what a sex scandal has to do with managing the national team...'

Match Fixing in Malaysia

'But I don't mean to bite people...they just get caught in my teeth.'

'We're sending you down, Hartnett. You need to work on your scratching and spitting.'

Doping

World Cup. Half Empty.

"Wait, all the screaming, and cheering, and swearing – you've been faking liking football the whole time?"

"Eh? What? Eh? I'm sorry, I dozed off during all that cross-field and back passing."

If at first you don't succeed, deflate the football.

Match-fixing (cricket)

"Oh no! It's foot 'n' mouth season again."

'Touch me and I'll see you in Strasbourg.'

"This part of the match was fixed...errr....sponsered by..."

'The selectors must be meeting...'

'Just 3 problems with the England team - they can't bat, can't bowl and can't field!'