Premier League Critic Gifts

Sam Allardyce

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

Maybe we should stop calling it 'The Masters.'

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

'Call 911! He watched 12 straight hours of football without training adequately.'

'Double Dannys': Danny Baker and Danny Kelly.

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

'The centre-forward wins a foul!'

'What the... Oh, lucky me - it's just something easy to get rid of!'

'I wish you'd make those meatballs a little lighter; they hurt!'

Free Speech has heavy price.

"But is it art?"

'I don't want to mention any names, but one of you isn't giving 100% out there.'

'We're sending you down, Hartnett. You need to work on your scratching and spitting.'

Match Fixing in Malaysia

World Cup. Half Empty.

Doping

'You may be wondering what a sex scandal has to do with managing the national team...'

If at first you don't succeed, deflate the football.

Match-fixing (cricket)

"Oh no! It's foot 'n' mouth season again."

"Eh? What? Eh? I'm sorry, I dozed off during all that cross-field and back passing."

"Wait, all the screaming, and cheering, and swearing – you've been faking liking football the whole time?"

'Touch me and I'll see you in Strasbourg.'

'The selectors must be meeting...'

"This part of the match was fixed...errr....sponsered by..."

'Just 3 problems with the England team - they can't bat, can't bowl and can't field!'