Predictable Plot Enjoyer Gifts

"Sure, it's a little formulaic but I love it!"

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

Evil elves trying to take advantage of Christmas tree fairies.

Book Shop Plot Spoilers

"Another CSI spinoff? What's this one called?"

Subway Thrillers

'Stop him, he's got the receipe.' Duck running away

"The problem is there's no engine. Just a mysterious plot device."

'Oh man, every time.'

"After several chapters of pushing a boulder up a hill over and over again, I think your average reader will watn to see something else happen, Mr. Sisyphus."

10 commandments

“I’ve got an idea for a story: Gus and Ethel live on Long Island, on the North Shore. He works sixteen hours a day writing fiction. Ethel never goes out, never does anything except fix Gus sandwiches and in the end she becomes a nympho-lesbo-killer-whore. Here’s your sandwich”

"I don't mind car chases as long as they're car chases about something."

At Mary Higgins Clark's book club.

'Gosh, he looks so peaceful lying there, I almost hate to wake him up and put him in the oven.'

"We need a plot twist."

"We love your manuscript! It's exactly the sort of big, sprawling epic we've been looking for!"

Writer's Block Next 10 Miles

"Better than Chekhov"

'I like the plot, but are all those nude scenes really necessary?'

He Didn't Know How To Appreciate Nature

"It's a novel about loss, and redemption, and fantastic sex."

"This gentleman would like a refund. He claims the plot broke down halfway through!"

Robot Bombs: A One Time Thing, Right?

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

Cinema. I won't tell you what happens, but there's a great twist at the end.

I've decided to become a mystery writer. "Dark clouds filled the horizon as two young lovers walked along the shore. As if sensing something was about to happen, seabirds cautiously circled around the couple. Suddenly and without warning, the young man reached inside his jacket and pulled out a large bag of pretzels and began to feed the birds." I'm very proud of that opening. The story has just started and it's already filled with twists and terns.

"No, I don't mind if you peek,' said the mystery writer to the next victim.

Mid-list Author Magazine

Ghost Porn

"These things work better if you don't explain the plot."

'I like the lust,greed and sex - it's just the integrity that bothers me.'

'Well, he gave me treats, patted me, played with me: How was I supposed to know he was a burglar?'

"He was okay with the spell check but he gets mad when it starts to correct the arc of his narrative development!"