Predictable Patron T-Shirts

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

Queen of Quinoa

'When we first met there was a chemistry between us. These days though, it's more of a 'chemistry set'.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I'll have another Rob Roy and a cup of coffee for my friend here."

"In addition to the regular menu, today's specials are . . ."

'The Saxon King' pub

Surreal ale

Wanna talk about it?

"Gotta go, lads, I smell death."

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

Pub Kendo.

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

"Ignore gordon. He's had a snootfull."

'What's the use? Everyone has his own PC future-probability program these days.'

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

"Sure, it's a little formulaic but I love it!"

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

"Just iced tea, please. Hot coffee goes right through me."

'Can you do me a low alcohol tequila slammer?'

"Oh him, that's Ron. He's a permanent fixture in here."

'I badly need to speak to my husband - can you get me a job as a barmaid?'

'Boozer's Week.'

Who's Not Who.

"Do you realize that we spend one-third of our lives in bed and the other two-thirds in here?"

'I see things starting to break your way. Your computer will break down. Your car will break down...'

"It's nothing new. We've always offered a complimentary beard wash following an order of ribs."

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

"The usual, please."

"Right - let's get back to the house and pretend to hate each other..."

'Pint of Binge, please. . .'

'The usual.'