Pot Punster Pillows

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

"Ohhhhhhhhhh, I see. When I saw the sign out front, I just assumed it meant advice."

"That's it. We’re toast."

'Iguana know what time it is.'

Dog Walker

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"I've been having stomach problems. I sit on the bathroom for 30 minutes in the morning...and a half-hour in the evening."

'She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me...'

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

'We are gathered here...'

"It's made with real angel hair."

"I'm looking for something a little more open pan."

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

"Actually, There's a lot less pressure since I've gone from his best friend to his therapy dog."

"Hallelujah!"

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

A-Hem! I'm still singing here!

Technical Terms Explained: Suckers.

The vegan hunter

'Ah look, what a lovely tortoise shell cat.'

"Yes, sir, it's Houstonia Michauxii and it prefers shade or semi-shade."

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

Lemming meringue pie.

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

'That's Princess... formerly 'Prince'.'

His Other Shtick

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

Saloon Selectives

Mosquito 'restaurant' on a person's skin. Waiter asks 'Red or red?'

"Find another place to dump that crap. This stall is occupied."

"He's a shiitake."

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

"Here, try this anti-dandruff fertiliser my gardener recommended."