Portfolio Puzzler Gifts

"Liquidity is when you wake up one day to see your pension pot has vanished, then you wet yourself."

'I sure wish there was a formula for picking the right mutual fund!'

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

"Ed and Helen's portfolio rose 3 point today on Dave's purchase of 100 shares..."

Woman at a desk with in out boxes marked Market Up Market Down.

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

'Hi, I'm the ghost of your past, present and future stock portfolio!'

'Before we found you, we were just squeaking by.'

How should I know up or down? All I heard was the FT was 74.95.

'Frankly, I'm a little concerned.'

Investor alternates between hating and loving gold, depending on the stock market's performance.

'Now this is a fabulous strategy that has worked flawlessly every year, except for those when it failed miserably.'

Have you seen my money?

"Sure your portfolio has taken a hit, but if you stay in the market for the long haul you'll be fine."

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

First Little Piggy Investment Associates

'Those? Oh, they're nothing serious, they're just rumor trembles.'

'Are you looking for something in light blue, or dark blue, chips?'

'I can understand Heisenberg's equation and Schrodinger's equation for quantum mechanics but I cannot understand derivative trading.'

"I'm adding some safe-haven assets to your portfolio...gold and Ozempic."

'Before we get started, I would like to thank our stockholder for coming tonight...'

Buy on the dip, ignore the blip, and sell before the bubble bursts.

"I've been too busy investing my enormous salary to be bothered running the company."

'Every time I break one of my investment rules, I put $10 in the mistake jar. As of today, it's worth more than my portfolio.'

"Forget keeping all your eggs in one basket. What you need is a nest egg..."

'You need to alter your portfolio allocation. Right now it's 25% stocks, 15% bonds and 60% margin loans.'

Common stock, Preferred stock, Private stock.

"We at U.T.M. Investments specialize in conservative investments. After all, our initials stand for 'Under The Mattress.' "

Wall Street walking traffic sign flashes 'Worry' and 'Don't Worry.'

'Your investments aren't under performing, they're just appreciation challenged.'

'I did well while good news was bad news. Then good news became good news--and that was bad news.'

'I can't take all the credit. My childhood imaginary friend picked a lot of my stocks.'

"It's called investing! You give me your worm now, I eat half of it, feed the other half to the fish and, in a month, we share the fish 10/90 my way. . ."

"Why does my investment portfolio have a toe tag?"