Portfolio Puzzler Gifts

"Liquidity is when you wake up one day to see your pension pot has vanished, then you wet yourself."

'I sure wish there was a formula for picking the right mutual fund!'

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

"Ed and Helen's portfolio rose 3 point today on Dave's purchase of 100 shares..."

Woman at a desk with in out boxes marked Market Up Market Down.

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

'Hi, I'm the ghost of your past, present and future stock portfolio!'

How should I know up or down? All I heard was the FT was 74.95.

'Before we found you, we were just squeaking by.'

'Frankly, I'm a little concerned.'

Investor alternates between hating and loving gold, depending on the stock market's performance.

'Now this is a fabulous strategy that has worked flawlessly every year, except for those when it failed miserably.'

Have you seen my money?

First Little Piggy Investment Associates

'Are you looking for something in light blue, or dark blue, chips?'

"Sure your portfolio has taken a hit, but if you stay in the market for the long haul you'll be fine."

'Those? Oh, they're nothing serious, they're just rumor trembles.'

'I can understand Heisenberg's equation and Schrodinger's equation for quantum mechanics but I cannot understand derivative trading.'

Buy on the dip, ignore the blip, and sell before the bubble bursts.

'Before we get started, I would like to thank our stockholder for coming tonight...'

"I've been too busy investing my enormous salary to be bothered running the company."

"I'm adding some safe-haven assets to your portfolio...gold and Ozempic."

'Every time I break one of my investment rules, I put $10 in the mistake jar. As of today, it's worth more than my portfolio.'

Common stock, Preferred stock, Private stock.

'You need to alter your portfolio allocation. Right now it's 25% stocks, 15% bonds and 60% margin loans.'

"We at U.T.M. Investments specialize in conservative investments. After all, our initials stand for 'Under The Mattress.' "

Wall Street walking traffic sign flashes 'Worry' and 'Don't Worry.'

'I did well while good news was bad news. Then good news became good news--and that was bad news.'

'Your investments aren't under performing, they're just appreciation challenged.'

Stock Market.

'Ms. Booth, your portfolio is full of sound and fury signifying zero returns.'

'I can't take all the credit. My childhood imaginary friend picked a lot of my stocks.'

'I steal all my investment ideas - but only from the very best.'

"It's called investing! You give me your worm now, I eat half of it, feed the other half to the fish and, in a month, we share the fish 10/90 my way. . ."