Portfolio Ponderer Pillows

"I promise not to make the same investment mistakes I made during the last boom. So, what's hot?"

Common stock, Preferred stock, Private stock.

'Don't know where to invest what's left of your portfolio. I'd flip a coin, but the way it's going, I'd lose the coin.'

Wall Street walking traffic sign flashes 'Worry' and 'Don't Worry.'

'Our broker says there's nothing to fear but fear itself ... but, unfortunately, that's what controls the market.'

Have you seen my money?

'Ms. Booth, your portfolio is full of sound and fury signifying zero returns.'

'Our recommended stocks cost less than others selling for twice as much'

Your portfolio is down 40...but if it's any consolation you look like you can use a big hug!

"Thanks for coming at such short notice to discuss your portfolio. I've also taken the liberty of inviting Miss O'Toole...our grief counsellor."

"Why does my investment portfolio have a toe tag?"

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

'I vote we hang the darn thing upside down and go home!'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'Can he call you back? He's taking time to stop and smell the profits.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"Your assumption that a one in a million chance event MUST be a miracle shows you drastically underestimate the total number of regularly occurring events."

"What a tragedy... he still had two years of his super left..."

"As you can see, sales have been a little erratic lately..."

'The economy being what it is, we've had to make a few changes in your retirement plan. . .'

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

"People are looking for stability in pension arrangements..."

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

"Apparently over 50% of people never look at their pension plans!"

'At least I don't have his life.'

Annual Stockholders' Meeting: Take some tissues.

"You never actually own a pension pot - you merely look after it for the next government."

'Maybe we need new profit charts?'

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

'The growing disparity of income is a tribute to our acumen.'

"We could try 'gravity' as an excuse."

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

"Profits. Good thing or the greatest thing?"

"Life isn't fair, and that's what makes it fun."