Portfolio Guru Pillows

'Of course I'm happy to give you an estimate of our fees, as long as you realise it will be nowhere near how much it will cost you.'

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

'Your wealth is no longer on paper. It's in cyberspace.'

"Excuse me. Everyone is curious about how you managed to take it with you."

Zen and the Art of Portfolio Maintenance

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

The day the stock market went UP.

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

Jack of all trades

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

The president's men

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

"Helen brings home our second, third and fourth incomes."

'Progress of a bookshelf'

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

'Looks like your cash cow just got diverted to the slaughterhouse.'

Build Your Own Portfolio

GAS PRICES AT PUMP

'We're finding out that those 'wrongs' we made 'right' were actually right after all.'

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

'Now, keep in mind that these numbers are only as accurate as the fictitious data, ludicrous assumptions and wishful thinking they're based upon!'

'Good news! Our nest egg is developing into a double yoke.'

Investments - remember, you are what you invest in!

The best financial decision I ever made.

"The economy always seems to be recovering, but it never recovers."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

'Let's just wait here until the federal stimulus returns.'