Portfolio Planner Pillows

Investor alternates between hating and loving gold, depending on the stock market's performance.

'It sounds like a wonderful investment opportunity but all my money is invested in cash.'

'You need to alter your portfolio allocation. Right now it's 25% stocks, 15% bonds and 60% margin loans.'

'My investment objective is to keep up with my neighbors, the Joneses, who just won the lottery.'

Financial Advice - 'Yes, this product will make a lot of money, but not necessarily for you.'

"We at U.T.M. Investments specialize in conservative investments. After all, our initials stand for 'Under The Mattress.' "

'Okay, 20% in cash, 30% in bonds and 50% in stocks--You forgot to include lottery tickets.'

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

Investors can't blame brokers any more

"When I said the investment was a sure thing I was referring to my commission."

"You said you wanted a diversified portfolio so I made sure to include some real stinkers."

"I think we need a professional money manager. Our investment statement is not making much of a statement."

'I did well while good news was bad news. Then good news became good news--and that was bad news.'

'How did you do with those stocks I recommended?'

'You'll be happy to know that Huff & Swoon has earned a AAA rating 30 years in a row - from our very own research staff.'

"Wait! Come back! Discover how exciting a brokerage account can be! Give me your retirement savings!"

'Yes, but which ones and when?'

"Didn't realize I'd said that out loud, anyway, you wanted some investment advice?"

Buy on the dip, ignore the blip, and sell before the bubble bursts.

"Trust me ... what have you got to lose?"

'We've drunk a Christmas toast to my portfolio, now let's drink a Christmas toast to your portfolio.'

"Don't worry sir, it's your choice, but...."

'By the way, what's your net worth?'

'The stock market is up, but your portfolio and 401 (K) are down? We have a support group for that..."

"Our brokerage firm specializes in the small investor."

'I was bald by 30, invested the money saved on haircuts in the market, and retired at 50.'

'Before we get started, I would like to thank our stockholder for coming tonight...'

'And I'm pleased to report that your gold futures are panning out.'

'Before we found you, we were just squeaking by.'

"I'm adding some safe-haven assets to your portfolio...gold and Ozempic."

'This portfolio is perfect for someone who has become too materialistic.'

The day the stock market went UP.

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'Good news! Our nest egg is developing into a double yoke.'