Political Aide Gifts

"It's a good speech - just a couple of points that need obfuscation."

Sally, Jim - you'll handle daily speech writing. Vince, as usual, will be in charge of attack ads.'

"I have a jobs plan! First, I'd fire all the incumbent's relatives. Then I'd replace them with my relatives."

'The Senator is not in. He threw out his back trying to reach across the aisle.'

'This 'infrastructure' stuff you keep talking about -- does it have anything to do with vegetables?'

'Psst, Senator, not that one -- that's your HIDDEN agenda!'

"Have you figured out how I can be on the right side of history without being on the wrong side of now?"

"Mr Speaker, if you want to gain back the party's confidence in your leadership, you're going to have to practice harder with the ducks."

"I don't need you to write speeches! I need nasty nicknames to pin on my opponents."

"The doctor says it's post election stress disorder..."

'The reason the cost of government is so high is that it takes hundreds of congressmen locked in a room to produce gridlock.'

"The President wants a calm, measured, evenhanded speech that kicks some serious butt."

'Ms. Dunn, I'd like you to go over my speech - just make sure it doesn't start World War III.'

"But sir, it's one thing to go rogue and quite another to go feral!"

"I'm suspending my campaign to spend more time with my family."

"Hey, guys, I need a speech in 20 minutes. Could you make these scattered thoughts and half-baked conclusions into a compelling narrative?"

"Chancellor Merkel, you must have touched something rotten while you were shaking hands with President Trum...uh oh...

Even Long-Serving Politicians Need Good Assistants.

"Our findings suggest you weren't properly vetted, Mister Fetchy. First of all, you're not even a Mister."

"What I did wasn't really influence peddling, it was influence rental."

"He's from the U.N. . . . you can tell by the bureaucrats who came with him."

"The only demographic you're leading in are kids 2 to 7 years old."

'When do you last remember having your soul?'

'You can't promise THAT, Senator - We got out of Vietnam YEARS ago!'

"Negotiations are at a crucial phase. We're desperately seeking more ways to say 'no'.''

"The mark of true leadership is knowing when to resign in disgrace."

Michael Ignatieff's dog

Aware of the Government's tendency to tout its accomplishments...John Baird should never have let Harper buy him supper.

SENATOR LUFTMENSH, 'The mail is about half-and-half for you and against you, but most of this pile is subpoenas.'

'The governor would like a word with you.'

'If you have to ask, you can't afford it.'

"You can't please everyone. But our latest poll shows you can annoy all of the people all of the time."

'The president thanks you for your $25 campaign contribution but he's not taking any cabinet applications at this time.'

'Why does everybody tell lies about me?'

"I can't believe you never told me your sister was KellyAnne Conway."