Playful Family Dynamics Gifts

"I only grown them because her mother's allergic to them."

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

I like the Jets...I guess

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

"He's not talking yet, but sometimes we give him peanut butter to make it look like he is."

Relationship Warning Lights

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

'The kids were so sweet...'

"My mom says I can start a rock band if I call it 'I Love My Mommy'. You in?"

'Everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.'

"But if I don't break stuff who will?"

Children's Party

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

'Mom! -- Jeffrey's having a wardrobe malfunction!'

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

"You never told me your dad was so delightfully old-fashioned."

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'It's time to move out when Mom says...'

"I'll go to my room and do my homework, but I want time and a half."

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"If we play house, Timmy, we can't live with my parents because..."

"This is not what I meant when I said you needed to practice your play fighting..."

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

Ask Sadie Advice Hour. What's your problem?! I don't want to vaccinate my kids. But my husband does. What do I do? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Mother Cohen and Father Cohen were arguing about vaccinating us kids. Father Cohen accused her of being a pawn of the Illuminati's attempt to use diphtheria to mutate us into ape-people. Mother Cohen accused him of being anti-Darwinian. That's when Father Cohen brought up her illicit fling with Chuck Darwin, and all heck broke loose. Um

"Get up at 7; leave for school by 8; no video games until after homework is done -- how about some regulatory relief?"

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

"See what happens when you go swimming after eating!"

'It makes baptisms a lot more fun for everyone.'