Pig Whisperer Pillows

"I really enjoyed my last life. When I spoke, Hollywood trembled."

Would you like some sprinkles on that?

Wife to husband about pigs in kitchen: 'Sometimes I wish you weren't the county's champion hog caller.'

'I hate it when they take the food pyramid, mix it all together and serve it in a trough!'

'Every day the same old story! What's wrong with that damned kid?'

'Yeah, not very appetizing, is it? Just close your eyes and eat: It's not that bad...'

"Buuuuuuuurp!!"

"Say 'oink'."

Bitchbark Canoe

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

'Isn't that cute! They're thanking us.'

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

'Personally, I don't like to play Fetch, but it makes him happy.'

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

'So far, I've taught him to fetch.'

Children's Parties

Knock on the door - dog stands up and shouts 'Beat it!'

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

'With 73 dog obedience books read between us, I think we must consider defeat.'

"What you call tricks I call humiliations."

"No no, I said sit!!"

'I see! And, just how much will it cost if she is in season?'

"Foster failure"

"I want him to have the serenity to accept the things he can't pee on, the patience to pee on the things he can outside, and the wisdom to know the difference." "But I'll probably just take him to a trainer."

Licensed Therapist

'So what's it like riding in first class?'

"Sometimes ... I just want to run away."

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

'When he's happy he can cool the entire downstairs.'

"Quick, start the car!"