Phone-free Advocate Pillows

'Ahem. No txtng PLZ."

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

King uses drawbridge as wheelchair ramp to his van.

'David, can't you speak for yourself?'

Animal cosmetic testing

"When I was young, we made statements using signs and marches!"

"You say you know at last where you made the wrong turn in your life. You never told me you made a wrong turn in your life."

"We seem to be the only animals here."

Herring Impaired

"Here you are - Two house martinis, humanely poured!"

"I could use some of those animal rights activists about now."

'...Plus thirty days for not turning off your damn cell phone!'

Get Your Head Out Of Your Phone

'You need to be more accessible to your employees... so you'll need to get rid of the moat.'

"What do you mean 'Get her to stop'?...Your baby's a human being and she already has things she wants to tell you. Crying is the only language she knows. Just hold her tell her 'I hear you'...and grow a thicker skin! Baby tears aren't little grenades, loser!"

May I propose a political theory? Not now, dear. I shouldn't even have to ask you Snookums. If I've got a theory about the world, I should just be able to say it. That's part of being in a relationship. I should be able to talk and know that you're going to listen to me. I'm still pontificating! Come back here!!!

The Off-line Store

'Can I talk to you offline?'

'It looks like a sad individual hunched over a computer, but apparently it's people power.'

"I applied for the right to be forgotten."

"Perhaps, in the name of mutual respect, you could call your husband something other than your minion."

Ring. If that me calling, I'm obviously not here.

I haven't seen Uncle Mort lately. Are you serious? How could you miss him? Ever since Youtube started demonetizing channels left and right, it's been driving independent content creators out of business. Your uncle's out front trying to get people to sign a petition to save his favorite show. "Oatmeal News" told us what the incontinence industry didn't want us to hear about staying regular!

Mouse Protest

Enjoy our cell phone free ambience.

Ask Me about my Break from Social Media

An angry Elephant has finally found the person who has his former foot (a Hunter in his Den) using it for a waste-paper basket.

"We installed thick, shag carpet. We got tired of everyone dropping and breaking their phones."

"Is there something you'd like to talk about, Gerald?"

The only guy left who's not online.

"He definitely doesn't want to see anybody."

Right now, he's in his man cave.'

2020 was a rough year for lip readers. (sad man wearing a mask, not able to read lips)

Use no hooks.

'He won't email, text or tweet. He's so inaccessible!'