Philosopher's Buddy T-Shirts

"Sorry, I can't - I have to be everywhere."

Skeptic Tank.

"Is this what I want to be doing with my death?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought we were just dating."

I told you the King wasn't ready for irony!

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."

"The meaning of life at a glance"

'See that ant, Norm - He is in a world of his own, completely unaware that he is being watched.'

'Why are they called the opposite sex?'

'Money can't buy friendship.'-'Neither can poverty.'

'Osgood was a theologian back on Earth, and he thought all this stuff would be allegorical.'

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"So you're saying if I wasn't so smart, I'd have more friends?"

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

I was allowed to chew this. But not that

'The 20th century wasn't bad, but I preferred the 19th. I'm open minded for the 21st.'

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

"You say that life is suffering, but isn't it also complaining?"

"To quote my broker, 'Past results are no guarantee of future performance.'"

"Sorry Peter, but you're just not evolving quickly enough."

'The animal psychiatrist said don't bother him with dog things- he doesn't know he's a dog!'

'Well, so much for the 'no new commandments' pledge!'

Colin knew things were going well when he saw his date trying to make him jealous

'I was afraid of this -- the evolution protocols are just confusing them.'

'Actually I'm looking for a less meaningful relationship. I didn't understand the last one!'

'What is worse: The fear of having a bad time. . . or the fear of having a good time?'

'Hey, don't look at me -- I was AGAINST free will.'

'Relax, I just wanted to know if you wanted to break for lunch.'

Hells singles

"Alright, I'll admit it. I never have cleansed my palate of Charlene."

People who ghosted me

Karl Marks

'If you are a complete pessimist does it mean you are positively negative!'

Cartesian Chopped Liver

'Diogenes - I'm appointing you to form an ethics committee.'