Philosopher-in-crisis Pillows

"Where can I find 'Self-Help' and 'Spirituality'?"

"I AM at my usual position."

"If x is the set of all men that love you, then I am a member of x."

Lemniskate

'In my opinion, you're either part of the problem or part of the solution. Unless, of course, you're Jones, who thinks he can just float above it all!'

'You're lucky. At least you know your troubles aren't psychosomatic!'

'He's studying to go to university' - Student reading book; 'HOW TO LIVE ON NO MONEY'

"I refuse to go down with the ship."

"Listen up - today is the first day in the rest of the coronavirus crisis!"

"My flight’s been delayed for the third time—whom do I punch in the face for that?"

Change Rooms.

'What do you mean, 'Land Ahoy!'? We're just trading Fishing Season for Hunting Season.'

"I'll have a pastrami on rye!"

'You know how we drink to forget? Well, Arnold over there is our polar opposite.'

"Christmas, birthdays...this divine guide will help you deal with idiotic gifts..."

Covid Timer

Desert Island Empty Except For Nixon Sign

Well, you know what they say? Aspire to inspire before you expire.

'...I can accept that bad things sometimes happen to good people. What drives me nuts is how all the good things always seem to happen to people I can't stand!'

'Watch him-he's drinking on an empty wallet.'

"Sure, I've thought about quitting, but the pay's too good."

I was at the right place at the right time, but they decided to make an exception in my case.

'I suppose I could reduce my fee.'

"Daddy, what did you do during the Coronavirus?"

'It doesn't look good. He's writing a farewell blog.'

Antisocial Media

"Glad I'm not self employed, I've wasted the entire day."

When Tia Carmen says... "The poorest man is not without a cent, but without a dream" it means...she spent $100 at the bingo hall and didn't win anything.

"Think of how ashamed they'd be if they knew their Father hogged the restroom key."

"Dude...what's wrong with your dad?"

'I just realized that the average age of all my old friends' is 'dead'.'