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Standup Pharmacist

"That new drug causes flatulence."

Relax, I'm just here to pick up a prescription.

"Oh darn, there it is right there: side effects may include squid head."

'You'd better stick with blurry eyes, anxiety attacks and hallucinations, because he drug prescription, I'd give,shows even greater side effects!'

Sea of Tranquillity

'Eureka! It won't cure anything, but the side effects are terrific!'

"Do you carry generic placebos?"

"I like my job because I can afford better psychotropic drugs than my colleagues!"

"It's what the people want. You run wild for a couple of hours and then - zap - you're back to normal."

"They’re burying him with his Xanax."

"I hope you work out better than my last roommate. He had backaches, dizziness, and an erection that lasted four hours."

'Our trials show that the new drug performs no better than placebo.'

'You can sniff out pet supplies on aisle five.'

'Wait! Tell me again about the 'excessive gas and oily discharge'?'

R. Dough, M.D. - Eye, Ear, Nose, Throat & Big Pharma Stock.

"No, it's not mentioned in the side effects. But you have noticed that it's a full moon tonight, haven't you?"

Leo and Florence Wolfe play medication commercial BINGO during the nightly news.

"Two options. This drug won't cure you, but the side effects are terrific. This other drug will cure you, but the side effects are worse than the original disease."

'Your physician has to have more confidence in e-prescribing. He followed up with a fax, an e-mail, and a phone call.'

'You have a choice. An ultra-expensive medication that may cure you but has the side-effect of bankruptcy, OR a low-priced medication with a side-effect of a near-death experience.'

"That's the strongest teeth whitener we carry. Smile in the dark and your mouth becomes a night light."

Werewolf prone? Try our MoonBlock.

'It says not to use heavy machinery when taking these. What's heavy machinery?'

Push In And Turn

"They won't help you... but what the heck, they won't hurt you either."

Stool Softener

'Is excruciating pain an 'untoward reaction'?'

"I feel so calm and relaxed when we're together."

"This medication did take care of my rash. However, like the TV commercial claimed, it did come with a few side effects."

"Take the green pill to feel hunky, the yellow pill to feel dory."

'Take them until further testing shows they really aren't effective.'