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"...You'll still be paranoid, but you'll be happily paranoid."

'You'd better stick with blurry eyes, anxiety attacks and hallucinations, because he drug prescription, I'd give,shows even greater side effects!'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"The first one's just a warning."

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

Cardiac Recovery.

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

Virtual Doctor

"We need to update your entire operating system."

"That new drug causes flatulence."

'I'm sorry. It looks like your insurance company doesn't cover pre-existing life.'

'Hah! The joke's on you — I already thought up a second opinion!'

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

"You have a co-pay...two cookies and a glass of milk."

"When was the last time anyone checked on Mr Klink."