Pet Rivalry Jokester Pillows

'Best friend? I hardly know the man!'

I've found you can say anything you like to them, as long as you're wagging your tail.

'I said 'barium,' not 'bury him'!'

'You've got restless wag syndrome.'

"Defense budget... Do you have any idea how much catnip $700 billion would buy?"

"I'm not concerned about us as long as there is nothing in the stimulus package for cats."

Phoning a Busy Sheep: 'Sorry I can't get to the phone right now, please make an animal noise after the bleat!'

"Well, there goes your theory of him thinking of you as his pack leader."

Newspaper headline is CUTE PUPPY RESCUED. Cat says: 'Sigh! It's all bad news in the papers, isn't it?'

Strikeout Dog

'My husband wants to know if the sonogram can tell if the baby is a Red Sox or Yankees fan.'

"I wasn't dead yet."

Cat flushing toilet with dog in bath.

'You can sniff out pet supplies on aisle five.'

"I like it better when it was a 'dog eat cat' world."

'When did you teach him to play dead?'

"The mainstream media has entered into a global conspiracy to make us less popular than dogs."

'Hi, my name's Bernard and I'm an alcoholic...'

'Yeah, hi, Bob...when you asked me to pop in and feet Spot, I was kind of under the impression he was a dog!'

'It was just a matter of time, old cowpuncher, 'til one of them punched back.'

'He's a great dog...a bit of a drooler though.'

101 uses of a dead cat: chaps.

Kid to dad about pet door on fishbowl: 'It's a dogfish.'

"Lose those fantasies of exacting vengeance from the afterlife. Our best hope is a mild case of salmonella."

'Ok Phil, you can stop the trash talk now!'

Dog spelled backward is GOD, cat is TAC, a pain in the butt.

'Harland, we want a divorce.'

"There's more than one way to skin a cat!" - Book signing.

'We're half way through teaching her to roll over.'

'And around here, Oscar, sniffing the boss's backside is not necessarily seen as a bad thing.'

"Well, I think it's a BIG improvement over how he used to play with them after he caught them!"

Terrierists.

Velcro Paws.

'I don't know how, but he has the bird flu.'

"He binge watches TED talks about getting the upper hand with cats."