Pet Parenting Guru Pillows

"I want him to have the serenity to accept the things he can't pee on, the patience to pee on the things he can outside, and the wisdom to know the difference." "But I'll probably just take him to a trainer."

'Don't worry about being lost: If you're microchipped, they'll find your home...'

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"We found the poor thing stranded on the beach last summer and decided to adopt it."

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"Fish needs a bigger bowl."

"Better bring me another cookie. The last one fell in the water."

'I'd say he's 10 percent 'pet' and 90 percent 'Lord and Master of All He Surveys'.'

"Why do they do that?"

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

"My emotional support dog ate my comfort food."

"I figure if I was still employed, I wouldn’t get to spend all this time with you!"

'When he's happy he can cool the entire downstairs.'

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"They think we're their best friend. Just play along with it."

"Quick, start the car!"

Dog chews 'The Cat Book'.

"It get it – you're hungry."

"You mustn't pull the cat's tail so hard it tugs the head inside, sweetie!"

"I think therefore I am." "Bow Wow, Bow Wow, Bow Wow."

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"Okay, you both know the rules: no trash talk, no batting the other guy all over the house if he’s unconscious, watch the claws and nails..."

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"He was a very good boy."

"You were right: I don't like water, but I do love snow!"

"Hey Lady this is a sixty zone!"

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Can I keep them? I found him on the internet?"

"Live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, drink in the wild air." — Ralph Waldo Emerson "Catch tennis balls in the mouth." — Me

Cat Nip.

Raw food, after you leave for work.

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

Cat fishing whilst fish fly overhead.

"Is this any way to treat 'Man's best friend'?"

'Who changed the password to 'arf'?'