Pet Comedian Pillows

"These days, I don't eat homework. I just install ransomware."

'Can't read this one either. Think anyone would mind if I just rolled around in them?'

'Mom, I think Petey needs to be changed.'

"Lie, cheat, pretend! At the end of the day, it does not matter if you like them or not as long as they feed you on time. . ."

"You're missing the whole gestalt of Frisbee!"

'Well she couldn't do THAT before she went into that Spanish quarantine centre!'

Why keep a cat and miaow yourself?

Why hamsters don't sleep at night.

'You could use some of this too!' (Woman to overweight cat.)

'Why do they refuse to drink water out of a bowl that's been left out for two hours, but go gaga over toilet water?'

I was hungry.

'Here's a stupid question...are you getting enough sleep?'

Training the dog to use a litter box.

"And just how exactly would you be getting to ...'s party."

"He spent all morning trying to teach me my own name."

'Granted, you're his best friend, but he and I are soul mates.'

Hang Time Fido

'I'm just grateful he didn't want ketchup on them.'

'I said - MOVE IT!'

101 uses of a dead cat: bagpipe

"Sure, you used to be a YouTube sensation. But what have you done lately."

"Want to see me make him beg, roll over and shake?"

"He's a rescue, and before that he was in Vaudeville."

"Darling, this dog food is delicious!"

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

Knock on the door - dog stands up and shouts 'Beat it!'

"No no, I said sit!!"

'My bark may be worse than my bite, but I've got a whine that will drive you up a wall!'

'I wonder if they have any water filters?'

Dog looks perplexed as man has his head out the window taking in the beer smells.

"It get it – you're hungry."

'Hey Harry, you know you've been walking around with a biscuit on your nose for the last two hours?'

"Why, you little Shih Tzu."

'Table scraps, doggie-bag goodies, dropped hot dogs, the cat's dish of food and your master's slippers.'

"The Bruins are down a goal. Do me a favor: Pretend you’re a Boston terrier."