Pet-centered Scientist Gifts

"Have you ever wondered what would happen if a giant hair ball were to slam into the earth?"

"Yes, one is a dog."

Cat Reunion

"Have you tried biting him?"

"The library rejected your request to ban all books on cats and squirrels. But, to be fair, it was no dumber than all the other book ban requests we get."

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

"He's my school project for science class."

"When I was a puppy, I barked as a puppy, I understood as a puppy, I thought as a puppy. But when I became a dog, I put away puppy things except for my shabby, old, beat-up stuffy toy. I still freaking love this thing."

'We call these supernumerary teats!'

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"It's just a jogger!" "It's just a car!" "There's nothing out there now!" "I was thinking of the squirrel I saw last week"

Protoplasm

"Dogs are men."

'Do you mind if I take a few pictures, Bill?

'I suppose this means you won't be fetching my slippers anymore.'

"MOUSE FLAVORED CAT FOOD"

"When I get to heaven do you think I'll get my testicles back?"

'I'm trying to toilet train them.'

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

'How long have you had this obsessive hatred of cats?'

'That hussy. She's always first in line for insemination.'

The Inner Dog.

"Putting him on a diet was easy. Just hide a pill in his food and he'll never touch it."

Cat on a psychiatrist's couch: 'Truth is, I'm not really a cat person.'

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

'Most dogs chase cars, Sally but mine is into them!'

Cat reading Rommel biography.

"I was a dog in a previous life, but I came back as a god."

"Tonight... Hemingway."

'Gentlemen, I've just seen the quarterly reports and believe me, I am not wagging my tail!'

"You need a hobby."

"Oh, God, am I housebroken."

"No, no, that's my copy of 'Being and Time'—look at the teeth marks along 'Heidegger'."

'Why can't you just chew bones like other dogs?' (dog smoking pipe).

"These dizzy spells, I have a theory."