Pest Punter Gifts

"Must dash - I'm appearing in a 'restaurant soup' cartoon this afternoon..."

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

I think you're ace

'Iguana know what time it is.'

Dog Walker

"Actually, There's a lot less pressure since I've gone from his best friend to his therapy dog."

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

"Not too much off my back."

'Well, you were convicted on three out of ten counts - at least we beat the point spread.'

'Ah look, what a lovely tortoise shell cat.'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

"Bretheren and Sistern out there in Congregational Land!"

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

'That's Princess... formerly 'Prince'.'

Saloon Selectives

"He's a shiitake."

'Do you think it takes 10p?'

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

"Find another place to dump that crap. This stall is occupied."

". . . But, according to your cat, you had a fur ball contract."

Mosquito 'restaurant' on a person's skin. Waiter asks 'Red or red?'

"We can patch 'em, but you'd have to settle for half-decent intentions."

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

In medical terms, it's known as cat's got your tongue.

Gambler And Umpire

Fakir Repairs

'I bring you my cat that got locked in the deep-freezer and you make jokes about popsicles."

"It makes him look less menacing."

"I brought my wife a mink for her birthday, but she refuses to clean out its cage."

'Is he house-broken?'