Pest Punter Gifts

"Must dash - I'm appearing in a 'restaurant soup' cartoon this afternoon..."

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

I think you're ace

'Iguana know what time it is.'

Pet Cemetery.

Dog Walker

"Actually, There's a lot less pressure since I've gone from his best friend to his therapy dog."

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

'Well, you were convicted on three out of ten counts - at least we beat the point spread.'

"Not too much off my back."

Licker Store

'Ah look, what a lovely tortoise shell cat.'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

"Bretheren and Sistern out there in Congregational Land!"

'That's Princess... formerly 'Prince'.'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

Saloon Selectives

Mosquito 'restaurant' on a person's skin. Waiter asks 'Red or red?'

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

"He's a shiitake."

'Do you think it takes 10p?'

". . . But, according to your cat, you had a fur ball contract."

"We can patch 'em, but you'd have to settle for half-decent intentions."

"Find another place to dump that crap. This stall is occupied."

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

In medical terms, it's known as cat's got your tongue.

Gambler And Umpire

'Is he house-broken?'

Use the word "pail" around the chickens. The word "bucket" scares them.

"It makes him look less menacing."

Fakir Repairs

'I bring you my cat that got locked in the deep-freezer and you make jokes about popsicles."