Personal Image Pillows

'I had that dream where I go out in public without my hairpiece again.'

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."

wattle covers

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"Nice haircut."

"That's a big fat lie!"

"I want that dressing-room mirror fired."

'I did have a tummy-tuck...But I opted for reconstruction surgery at the same time.'

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

Aging Problems

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

"This tiny bald spot where your hairline used to be is so-o-o cute!"

"What does she have that I don't?"

Too Skinny, Too Fat

No matter what I do, I still look more like a 'before' picture than an 'after' picture.

"I can't have anything that's a food."

'Oh no! You're obviously smaller than me, Joy!' 'You're not fat, 'cause those pants were tight on me too Verl.'

'The baby took some cellphone pictures of you napping!'

"It isn't fair! Why aren't thin lips fashionable?"

'You are being haunted by the spirit of a slimmer, trimmer, you.'

'Cosmetic surgery.'

"If I'm coming across as shallow, uncaring and egocentric, talk to my image manager."

TV-Mirror.

'I can't see anything through these ridiculous tiny slits, I'll take them.'

Seminar: Find Someone Cool to Imitate.

"If I had known I was going to evolve, I would have worked on my beach bod."

"You're really serious about that diet!"

"Does this dress make my butt look big?"

A man imagines he looks like a farmer on a tractor on a ride-on mower and

'I envy your metabolism.'

'I hate her...'