Personal Ad Writer Pillows

"Ken bats left-handed, enjoys cultural as well as outdoor activities, and seeks a sensitive non-smoking woman for a lasting partnership that includes long walks, good music, and fielding practice."

'Which sounds better: 'now with MORE XZ100' or 'now with LESS XZ100'?'

"Joe's cereal. NPR co-approved."

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

As Seen Watching TV

Mouse real estate!

F1 - Quit Smoking.

This Space Available.

'It began as The Great American Novel...but it finally sold as an infomercial.'

"And now a word from our sponsors...ratings."

"Satan's on the line, sir. He says the soul you sent doesn't look like the one in the ad."

VALENTINES: Stuck Like Glue

"We're ready to give the verdict....after the commercial break."

'This unexpectedly concludes tonight's program -- the sponsor bailed out.'

Eat More Salted Nuts

"Of course, we can't pay you. But just think of all the exposure you'll be getting!"

Junk Mail

"Pal, you're a guitar lesson flyer in a math tutor part of town."

DRINK LAFARGE'S ALE, 'He's trying his best to balance tyhe budget.'

'I hate these commerical breaks!'

"The Closer, Cleaner, Smoother Reaper."

Before we begin tonight's dream, a word from our sponsor...

"Here's one - 'Few-bricks-short-of-a-load seeks One-our-out-of-the-water.'."

'Single Heating and Cooling technician in search of intelligent, attractive woman. Send picture of your furnace & AC.'

'Not so much a 'brain-storm'... more like a 'brain-drizzle'.'

"$68,000? You said that deceptive ad would cost me $23,000."

Marv's Preowned Vehicles...That new car smell can kill you! - Buy Used!

'Thank you for picking me as your ATM machine...but before I dispense your money, here's a word from Ed's Bar & Grill...'

Forget Your Worries at Velton Corners, Spa.

Your next cartoon will follow after these advertisements

'Hey! -- that Maytag repairman is an impostor!'

COUNCIL OF ECONOMIC ADVISORS, 'Have we tried product placement?'

"He's a genius at product placement."

'I can't believe they're using my mantra to sell beer.'

'When you caught yourself saying the repetitive never-ending TV commercials and couldn't stop doing it, you should have come to see me then!'