Personal Ad Writer Pillows

"Ken bats left-handed, enjoys cultural as well as outdoor activities, and seeks a sensitive non-smoking woman for a lasting partnership that includes long walks, good music, and fielding practice."

'Which sounds better: 'now with MORE XZ100' or 'now with LESS XZ100'?'

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Joe's cereal. NPR co-approved."

F1 - Quit Smoking.

As Seen Watching TV

Mouse real estate!

VALENTINES: Stuck Like Glue

This Space Available.

"Satan's on the line, sir. He says the soul you sent doesn't look like the one in the ad."

'It began as The Great American Novel...but it finally sold as an infomercial.'

"And now a word from our sponsors...ratings."

DRINK LAFARGE'S ALE, 'He's trying his best to balance tyhe budget.'

'This unexpectedly concludes tonight's program -- the sponsor bailed out.'

"The Closer, Cleaner, Smoother Reaper."

"Of course, we can't pay you. But just think of all the exposure you'll be getting!"

"Pal, you're a guitar lesson flyer in a math tutor part of town."

Junk Mail

"We're ready to give the verdict....after the commercial break."

Eat More Salted Nuts

'I hate these commerical breaks!'

Before we begin tonight's dream, a word from our sponsor...

'Single Heating and Cooling technician in search of intelligent, attractive woman. Send picture of your furnace & AC.'

"Here's one - 'Few-bricks-short-of-a-load seeks One-our-out-of-the-water.'."

'Not so much a 'brain-storm'... more like a 'brain-drizzle'.'

"$68,000? You said that deceptive ad would cost me $23,000."

Marv's Preowned Vehicles...That new car smell can kill you! - Buy Used!

'Hey! -- that Maytag repairman is an impostor!'

"He's a genius at product placement."

Your next cartoon will follow after these advertisements

Forget Your Worries at Velton Corners, Spa.

'Thank you for picking me as your ATM machine...but before I dispense your money, here's a word from Ed's Bar & Grill...'

'When you caught yourself saying the repetitive never-ending TV commercials and couldn't stop doing it, you should have come to see me then!'

COUNCIL OF ECONOMIC ADVISORS, 'Have we tried product placement?'

'I can't believe they're using my mantra to sell beer.'