Period Pundit Gifts

It only happened to her for three days of the month.

Another long day down at the Bureau of Earthquake Prediction.

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

Airline Debts: Layoffs to help us stay afloat.

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"The inhabitants of Pluto today declared Earth not a planet..."

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

Davos.

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Sub Post Office/Sub-Justice

'I have a master's in 17th century Dutch feminist poetry, but I've never really used it.'

Conservatives' Golden Economic Legacy

'You realize, of course, Death is the ultimate tax shelter?'

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

'Great speech on the future of the economy. You said nothing with great conviction.'

"Apparently there's been a slowdown in China."

"I'm in here, rereading the great poets, myself among them."

'Yes. No. Sometimes. No. No. Yes. Don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Mo.'

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"This plaque shows nine planets, but their transmissions say their system has eight."

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'