Parenting Tales Lover Pillows

'You'd think you guys never saw a baby before!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

Growth Charts

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

I love my family!

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

"Instead of taking a bath can I wear a flea collar?"

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

'It's the same model... he painted the second one eight months after the first painting.'

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

Toddler Feeding Solutions

"What do you think is a good step goal for someone who's just started walking?"

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

Early childhood development

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

"I told my mom either the sitter goes, or I go!"

Crying baby

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

"Sure, helicopter parenting is bad but drone parenting is way worse."

Lemming mothers

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

"If we're lucky, she'll get a single wear out of this."

"Mom, when the baby's born, can I have the bubble wrap it's shipped in?"

"How many times do I have to beep you?"

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

"My first Father's day!"

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

'His vocabulary is growing by leaps and soap bubbles.'