Parenting Tactician T-Shirts

'The only imaginable solution to this problem is a battle to the death.'

"Your mother must have a hidden agenda, the way she gave you those extra cookies."

"I thought it was just the cap that was child-resistant."

'She's tricky.'

'Do you realize that I spend more time out than I do in?'

Super-Papi moves swiftly to defeat the evil Electronico!

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

"My hackers just collapsed your country's economy."

Grounded

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Sitting Up'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'This will be tough. The parents can handle Bs and Cs, but I really gotta spin this D in math.'

War never felt the same after the Great Puppy Ambush.

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

The Use of Cavalry

"When can I redeploy?"

'If you fuss over him all the time and make his life too comfortable, he'll never leave!'

'This paintball war has really spun out of control.'

'With your permission sir... checkmate.'

Kosovo.

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"My dad put in a new security system."

'When mom went to work for us, did you ask for references?'

"I try to get a head start on them."

"I've got him on vibrate."

'Do what I did. Tell your mother you want a pet snake. Then she'll get you a dog.'

"Mrs. Martin is here. She's the new substitute teacher."

"Don't think of it as being grounded. Think of it as suffering the consequences of your monumental stupidity."

"One moment, sweetie, I'm just asking Google how I should react."

"I understand that by the time we've hit our teens we'll have them pretty much where we want them."