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'Daddy's sure to ask-what can I say I see in you?'

"Feel free to take notes."

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."

Suffering from Cooties?

Human Behavior Institute. Out Experiencing Lunch.

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

"I thought it would be nice if we had a forum where we could get together and have screaming tantrums."

'Of course I put my kids first! Look at how much I pay the nanny!!'

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

Biggles has a more staid adventure.

Polly, want a cracker, but Polly need a glass of wine.

'Think about it guys: We're fed and sheltered, why would we ever think about leaving the nest?'

'Son, the world is ripe for the taking ... you better stay home with me.'

"I told my mom either the sitter goes, or I go!"

'But, Mom, being good just doesn't work for me.'

"Dad—will the heroine go into rehab?"

'I changed my mind...I'm not thirsty anymore.'

"Oh well, if you really want to see some scary chest thumping, come with me now and I'll show my school report to my dad..."

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

'All I want for Christmas is my old shape back again.'

'These are very powerful tranquilizers for when your teen has he horrific tantrums. Take two of them anytime she flares up.'

"Can you tell me the story again about how you swiped right on Dad?"

'To be honest I only became a vicar to get my children into the C of E school.'

"I was thinking of joining a parenting class."

The relay race

"When I was a little girl...my mami had really good remedies for our aches and pains."

They Removed my Brain.

Please take a number.

Mountain Dads

'I know how you like things to be clean, so I gave fishy a bath!"

'Who turned up the thermostat?'

'Are you trying to tell me that neither of you get penalty rates for the 2 a.m feed?'

'Sorry dad - it won't happen again,'

"I lost the spelling bee on the word 'gangsta.' "