Parenting Provocateur Gifts

"It's 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day.'"

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

Mother puts extra long dummy in babies mouth.

'A generous layer of vaseline makes an excellent tickle repellent!'

"What is it? You're not wet or hungry. Mommy's not a mind reader. OK, I am, but I've never been very good at it."

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Starmer. It's a tool!"

"Should we keep the receipt in case of returns."

'You'll never be the next Micheal Phelps if you don't start working on your breaststroke.'

'The other kids at school say I might need glasses, Dad.'

'This is all without rhyme or reason.'

'...you'd better get yourself a good lawyer!'

"I'm too old for a baby-sitter. How about hanging a portrait with the eyes that always seem to look at you?"

'This not exactly what I had in mind when I told him about the birds and the bees.'

Australian baby with toys hanging from his hat rather than corks

"My mom can be a little over-protective ... "

'Dad a dachshund is really half a dog high and two dog long...'

'Daddy! Are you using the number forty clipper?'

"Attention, please. At 8:45 A.M. on Tuesday, July 29, 2008, you are all scheduled to take the New York State Bar Exam."

'The doctor is ready to see you, Teddy...Bring your handler!'

Yes, we have a 'Happy Meal'. It's when you leave the kids home.

"I know at least two people who will sleep easier with him behind bars."

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

'Mind giving him his bath now- he'll be asleep when we get home!'

"These are payments for babysitters, but it's more exciting to pretend I'm a drug dealer."

"It's either "Bring your kid to work" day or it's "Drop of handbag in kindergarten" day today?"

"What're you in for?"

'It doesn't mention the things I'm a prodigy in.'

'He was offered a role in a sitcom and has the potential to be a successful child actor. We've already set up a legal defense fund.'

"The second I turn 16 I'm joining a conservative political party and then I'll be able to do whatever I want!"

"This is my son, Barry. He was headed for Congress, but instead had made his mark as a prominent internet troll."

'I forgot to bring diapers. We were a long way from refreshing.'

'Two more months!...who's delivering this baby...the post office?'

'Let's tweet that there's civil unrest in Torquay and see if it gets reported on the news.'

'Maybe tomorrow.'