Parenting Juggernaut Gifts

'If you take this job, you will need child care... that's my second job.'

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

Suffering from Cooties?

"At $4 a dozen, it's hard to balance a career and a family."

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'Of course I put my kids first! Look at how much I pay the nanny!!'

'You change him, and I'll change the tire.'

A Mix Up Between the Buggy and Lawn Mower.

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"I know, but all promises are off when Daddy's writing his grant proposals."

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

'I changed my mind...I'm not thirsty anymore.'

'I couldn't practice last night on account of my Dad's head was gonna' explode.'

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

Baby on Board, Mother on Edge.

'These are very powerful tranquilizers for when your teen has he horrific tantrums. Take two of them anytime she flares up.'

"Do you really use all of the stuff on this school supply list?"

'I couldn't find any box filler so I shredded those tax documents on your desk.'

The relay race

The mating call of the Yellow-Throated Warbler,

"When the new employment laws come in parenting is going to be a whole lot easier...."

'We need a dog!'

'To be honest I only became a vicar to get my children into the C of E school.'

'Sorry dad - it won't happen again,'

"Here comes the airplane--once it gets clearance from the tower, which should be in another 45 minutes. Thank you for your patience."

Oops.

Mind them while I go shopping and I'll give you 50 bucks extra!

"I'm sorry madam but we don't make them go missing."