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'Dust-mop-baby-jumper.'

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

'Strained carrots again! What am I being punished for this time?'

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"Everyone says she has the clutter of someone twice her age."

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

It's a Boy

Mother CareBaby Gap

"Travelling with Child Sketchbook - day 2."

"I wouldn’t say they’re user-friendly."

"We'd love to come, but we can't seem to find a sitter."

'Have you cleaned behind your ears?'

"I told you not to touch it. I should've used your language and told you not to click on it."

"Not until you've arranged your pillows."

'I never believed in spanking children - until today!'

'I took her to register in kindergarten, and they wanted a damage deposit.'

'Don't come down until your thirty five.'

To prevent Christmas git opening from being over in a flash, the Wagner kids were required to use only their feet.

The conversion.

If this is how 3-year-olds see the world, it's no wonder they're always crying."

Going into the relationship, Tom knew Loretta was a package deal.

'You must stop feeding him fish oils to make him cleverer.'

Baby with projectile vomit

"It gets easier the second time."

'If you don't like fathers in the delivery room, where will you be?'

'I don't get it! Not one of these books gives the same advice TWICE!

"We're having a problem naming him. All the domain names we like are already taken!"

'She is being impossible again.'

"Does it come with instructions?"

'Baby escape.'

'Well, Mr. 'Let's get him a fish they're no trouble at all,' you're on.'

'I'm sure this is the right exit .'

Temptation.

'Why are you being a discipline problem at school, turd?'