Parenting Hack Enthusiast Pillows

"Day care worker's delight: Velcro diapers"

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'The child is very illogical'

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

Growth Charts

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

"I have a new program that draws from his energy to power all our computers and phones. We should be good for the next 10 years."

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

I love my family!

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

"Right here is your baby’s infrastructure, and in a month or so we’ll be able to see the analytics."

Sigh … They grow up so fast, don't they?

Toddler Feeding Solutions

'The stuka brought you.'

"Damn it, are we flying a spoonful of peas again?"

Crying baby

Early childhood development

'We're beta testing Goo-Goo Glass.'

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

"The Internet ate my baby!"

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

"Sure, helicopter parenting is bad but drone parenting is way worse."

Lemming mothers

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

7 Dwarves of Fatherhood

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

"My first Father's day!"

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

'Wow, Mom, how long has he been in time-out?'

Honey, I'm home. Did you change Kyle's diaper?