Parenting Escapades Pillows

"No, son, there's no severance package."

"I thought it would be nice if we had a forum where we could get together and have screaming tantrums."

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

'Son, the world is ripe for the taking ... you better stay home with me.'

'BEEP! BEEP! Pregnant Lady Reversing!...'

'But, Mom, being good just doesn't work for me.'

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

"Oh well, if you really want to see some scary chest thumping, come with me now and I'll show my school report to my dad..."

Holding up a child so he can feed a giraffe.

"Do you actually trust that thing?"

Please take a number.

They Removed my Brain.

'I know how you like things to be clean, so I gave fishy a bath!"

"Hi - Mom? Going to Kayla's house? Thanks!"

It had been a good life, filled with passion and joy, tender bonds, and finally one irretrievable error.

"Normally things don't get me down. But lately, just getting out of bed has been difficult."

"Oh please, go on, just for the weekend."

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I'll never watch Alien again!!

"Yes, the French only eat the legs, but we're not French! We eat the whole frog!"

'The great stampedes are over, son. All you can hope for today is an occasional goring.'

'May I borrow your hard hat? I'm going to try and go into the kids' room.'

'My little boy broke my violin.'

Extra, Extra, Extra Absorbent Diapers.

"Stop complaining -- you'll grow into it."

Circus baby

"Daddy has to clear his head for a few minutes before he can deal with 'Babar'."

"My kids are here for their appointment. Ages five and forty-two."

"Now that the kids are in jail, maybe we can take the vacation we always wanted."

"Our son is at that awkward age where he's living in our basement."

Earl thought 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day,' was very dumb. 'How about hot dog ice cream?! Or a hot dog already chewed, saving me time by not chewing it?!'

'The novelty's sort of worn off with the first one so we thought it was time to have another.'

Parents everywhere: There's no shelter in place.

'You'll never learn to walk if you don't FOCUS!'