Parental Timeout Seeker Gifts

"Let's play hide-and-I-read-my-book."

"My mom says I can start a rock band if I call it 'I Love My Mommy.' You in?"

"No, I don't look in the mirror. I look in the soap."

'I'm going to bed...whatever...'

'I've fallen in love and i've fallen in porage and believe me: porage is better.'

I know! How about I take out the trash? Clean the basement? Re-tile the bathroom? Take you to the ballet? Ok. Ok. I'll have "the talk" with Teddy.

'Great teamwork Joey!'

"I just called to say I love you, but come to think of it - can I borrow some money?"

'Why are you so obnoxious?' 'Heredity!'

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

Son, it's time you grew some legs and moved out.

Will accompany your kids on rides so you won't barf - $20.

Still a Disappointment to his Mother

"Your inability to turn off your critical voice, combined with your fear of disappointing your overbearing, demanding father, is causing you to lose faith in your fastball."

'My mom just explained babies to me. I'm not sure, but I think I'm a bird and you're a bee.'

"I've had it with the nineties!"

"This one's going down."

"Papi...how come you're always bringing work home?"

'Please stand by. You have temporarily lost your picture. Broadcasting will resume when you have finished your homework.'

'See, I told you my dad would like you.'

"I work too hard, I think I need to spend more time with the children... Do we have any?"

"As a child, Timothy would often test his mother’s patience."

"Sorry, son. . . You're not getting the keys to the car until you show me you're mature enough to bring it back completely totaled."

'Hey, we are roughing it out here! Only 45 minutes of IMing a night, you hear me?'

"Do you provide any coupons that would allow me one free lie? It would help ease my conscience."

"The scratchpost is for the cat, the other one is for my son."

"I'd be happy if I got half the attention and was half as clever as my kids' smartphones."

"Don't make me come over there."

'I told my Mom either the sitter goes, or I go!'

"Is your dad in a good mood? We're heading into uncharted territory."

Mum sitting in play pen while kids run riot.

Caveman's son on stone inline skates

"Mom, my student loans are so high, I was wondering if I could start doing chores again for an allowance."

$200,000 to raise a kid in America! Do you regret the expense? Of course not, sweetie! You're worth every cent. That's a relief. Because I need $20 for the movies!

Turtle timeouts. And when you think you can behave, I'll be back to flip you over. (Published originally on May 21, 2003.)