Parent Who Has Seen It All Gifts

"Forget the ransom...I say we call the parents and say we'll pay them to take her back!"

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

I love my family!

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

Jeff's Smorgasbord

"We've created a safe, nonjudgmental environment that will leave you child ill-prepared for real life."

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

"I told my mom either the sitter goes, or I go!"

“Hands, Rachel. Clap your hands. Why on earth would I say, ‘If you’re happy and you know it, slap Sam’?”

'But, Mom, being good just doesn't work for me.'

Lemming mothers

"Sure, helicopter parenting is bad but drone parenting is way worse."

"Mum can you come home quick, dad's started to make an exhibition of himself again!"

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

"Oh well, if you really want to see some scary chest thumping, come with me now and I'll show my school report to my dad..."

A baby being christened in a scuba mask.

Martians looking at Earth - 'One day son, all this will be yours.'

Stork Story.

"You can't have dessert until you eat all of your people nuggies."

"No dessert until you eat all your candy."

'My wife and I can't have dogs!'

They Removed my Brain.

'Next time your kid has a party, blow up the balloons with an airpump!'

"Wasn't it your turn to drop him to online school?!"

Baby car seat for a Native American.

'I know how you like things to be clean, so I gave fishy a bath!"

"More aphorisms, please!"

'Dad demonstrates for an hour and then we go home - what happens in your swimming lessons?'