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"Would you explain to your son that there's no free agency in T-ball?"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

“She’s in her abstract expressionism phase.”

'I don't want him experiencing anything until I've totally checked it out.'

"Look Mommy, hat!"

"That's not how I sat on you."

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

A kangeroo and it's baby read books about understanding each other.

The best PE teacher in the World.

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'I'm not spoiled - I always smell like this.'

"I won it for being the most noncompetitive in preschool."

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

'Why did the chicken cross the road?'

'Do you have any books on controlling little monsters?'

"Mom, can you come get me?"

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

'Your parents are way too overprotective.'

'Still having problems finding a baby sitter?'

Thunk! Teddy! Pick them up! They're toxic to all living things! Ok. Ok. But you don't have to exaggerate. Regrettably � I'm not.

"I told my mom either the sitter goes, or I go!"

'The only thing exciting about these games is our dads fighting with the umpire.'

Parenting Business Deals

Mom's Diner/Mom's Desserts

"We're going to have to think outside the box to boost sales, minion."

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'But, Mom, being good just doesn't work for me.'

Mother pushes twins on a double-decker swing.

'The best way to teach my son is by example, you know: Monkey see, monkey do...'

"Leapfrog is the latest craze among the kids, but experts say it contribute to declining birthrates. Find out why � after the break!"

"If we synchronize our tantrums, they'll have to stop talking. You in?"

The First Day Back