Paperweight Collector Pillows

ZZZZ. You think Ernie has a good head for business? It makes a good paperweight.

Stress and Relief Inbox

"I've put on a few ounces, but it's mostly paperweight."

Handbag store - "Perfect."

"What colour do you have to get before the big kids leave you alone?"

Black Belt/Yellow Belt/Green Belt/No Belt.

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

"Sure, shopping online is faster and cheaper, but there's something almost sensuous about carrying an armload of packages!"

"Amazon's new A.I. just 'gets' me."

"Sounds like cracked ribs. Try loosening your belt."

Before social media there was sticky notes.

'Whoa! This was supposed to be an easy merit badge!'

"The camera is mounted on your desk for a reason. There's been some paperclips missing, and we think you're the culprit."

"Knowing all the weather rock lore doesn't really count toward the weather badge."

Utility Chic.

"Yeah, this many ways to contact her if I'm lost might be overkill."

"I wonder if this will count for wood carving badge?"

"Most of my consumerism is self-taught."

"I'm not all you can eat? But I brought my special plate!"

Vampire laying in his coffin wearing a Smiley badge.

"What's that smell?" "A paper cut."

"Sure, I may be over the top, but at least I'm not underhanded like him!"

'We're confident that morale dips resulting from the recent salary cuts will be offset by the distribution of these smiley face badges to all affected employees.'

Beer Sergeant.

The evolution of a woman's purse.

'You know Solomon, I just keep feeling that something isn't quite right today.'

Pizza. Choose your own topping - $2.00 extra. Fifty-dollar bills!

"This isn't for me - it's for the economy."

'No collar, no din-din,' said Mrs. Flint firmly. 'Omigosh,' thought Larry, 'Fifi will never give it back!'

"At first I was homesick....now I'll probably be campsick for awhile!"

'This one's for clearing my browser history. This one's for emptying my cache. This one's...'

"Is it just me or does the dog seem calmer since you got it that new collar?"

'Actually, we're members of a mountain climbing club named for sir Edmund Hillary.'

"Wot? No toilet paper?"

"Here comes my doctor ... I know the click and clatter of his ID badges."