Pantry Protector Pillows

"I thought I was a hoarder, but it turns out I'm a prepper."

"My older self travels back just to remind me to put the cap back on this pen?"

"Careful with that - the wife made it at pottery class."

'I just finished the floors, so they better stay clean!'

"Sorry kid, I work alone."

The IRS emptied my pouch.

'...and now, Doctor, if you have satisfactorily disinfected your hands,...

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

"Well, we can kiss being free-range goodbye."

'Use by June 2007. Gah' - 'Use by July 2007. Double gah.' - 'Best of a bad bunch...'

I've got to monitor all chatter in the cafe to prevent future pastry thefts. I don't know … What if you've got a scone thief for a neighbor, or a friend, or even a family member? Sure, today it's just a scone. But the next attack could be huge – the big one! You don't mean … Hoagie. They're trying to destroy our whole way of life.

'Hello, security.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

'You've had enough!'

'Before you buy the gun can I ask if you thought about taking your cat to the vets first?'

Unbelievable! Who keeps taking by @#$% pens?

"Ralphie, no! Not on my Kindle!"

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

'Be careful, I hear he kills cats.'

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

"My client is being more than fair. She is willing to let you keep all the shoes and the house."

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

"At least we don't have to worry about intruders now we have a dog."

'Jeckers, when I was a student we commonly at poultry...

'Triple your money back! 100% effective against pesticide resistant insects! Guaranteed!

'If you want to see your friends at the dairy, you're gonna have to go through me!'

"We're not getting a dog because I don't invest in non-profit ventures."

'Use it as an end table or, if you want, fold it out to be a fully functional anti-aircraft gun.'

While you were out

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

'Hold on a minute. Someone stole my pen.'

'Sorry, my dog says no landlords allowed!'

'Drop the can opener!'

Rabbits $5.

"Have they no shame?"