Panel Show Host Gifts

Jimmy Carr

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

Senior Jeopardy!

'We like your style, but hate your substance.'

'I'll be a responsible and mature asset to the company, as proven by the lack of asinine photos of me on Facebook.'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Experience is important, so I'm inclined to leave questions of ethics to those who have them.

"The official measure of an inch is three iPhones stacked on top of each other."

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

Clive Anderson

"I have to be honest: the job you're applying for is a real no-brainer. Are you sure you're OK with that?"

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

"Afterward, there will be a short Q. and A. that will be just long enough for one person to take up too much of it."

At the celebrity jobcentre...

"If Shakespeare were alive today, he would be driving this make of Sports Utility Vehicle."

"Any other skills?"

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'You would too, if they sold your desk and changed all the locks!'

Academic Jeopardy - "This was Titian's favorite after-dinner dessert."

Academic Jeopardy - "Reality divided by two gives us this truth."

"This is our format: Three minutes to present your case, two minutes each for rebuttal, one minute for summing up, and thirty seconds for claiming victory."

"The election is underway!"

Rob Brydon.

Alan Davies.

"Of course there is still a lot of stigma attached to being undead, I hardly ever get past the interview stage."

'I realize that you're upset that Oprah hasn't reviewed your new book on her show. But you are on MY show, so why don't you tell us what inspired you to write 'Overcoming Disappointment and Resentment.''

"No conifering, please."

"I don't look at it as bouncing from job to job, I'm merely gaining a broad base of experience."

'And your specialist subject is the Invisible Man films?'

Andy Hamilton

'I'm afraid there's be a resume mix up. We meant to call Grim C Reaper.'

Big Quiz. -900. +4800. +7230. Ernie, can you believe he calls himself a "smart appliance"?

"The subject of tonight's discussion is: why are there no women on this panel?"