Panel Show Host Prints

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

Senior Jeopardy!

'We like your style, but hate your substance.'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Experience is important, so I'm inclined to leave questions of ethics to those who have them.

"I have to be honest: the job you're applying for is a real no-brainer. Are you sure you're OK with that?"

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

"Afterward, there will be a short Q. and A. that will be just long enough for one person to take up too much of it."

"Any other skills?"

At the celebrity jobcentre...

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"The election is underway!"

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'You would too, if they sold your desk and changed all the locks!'

"Of course there is still a lot of stigma attached to being undead, I hardly ever get past the interview stage."

Academic Jeopardy - "Reality divided by two gives us this truth."

"This is our format: Three minutes to present your case, two minutes each for rebuttal, one minute for summing up, and thirty seconds for claiming victory."

'I realize that you're upset that Oprah hasn't reviewed your new book on her show. But you are on MY show, so why don't you tell us what inspired you to write 'Overcoming Disappointment and Resentment.''

"No conifering, please."

'And your specialist subject is the Invisible Man films?'

'I'm afraid there's be a resume mix up. We meant to call Grim C Reaper.'

"The subject of tonight's discussion is: why are there no women on this panel?"

'No! The bully in Tom Brown's Schooldays was called 'Flashman' not 'Paxman'.'